#31 a ramble

The mind has so much to process, it can be hard untangling the weaves, if even possible.

Hello my lovelies,

Today I just wanted to do a little ramble, a meander through my life, I want to organise my thoughts that have been going on. At this time of year, I become very reflective especially because it is nearing my birthday. If I can be honest for a moment, I almost didn’t see my 18th birthday, so I always reflect on the past year to, well, see where I am at.

Life currently is going better than hoped. My skill of calligraphy is improving, the guided worksheets worked incredibly well, my control of the brush pens is improving and I am ready to see if I can create a style. I am still learning to find it meditative, the concentration is there but the mindful breathing is not!

My Spirit Manifesto is coming along nicely, I still have parts to add but I am pleased with my progress so far. I am also writing more poetry again which is really comforting. I feel like I am doing a lot of different activities, not because I feel I have to, but because I genuinely enjoy them and that is truly a beautiful feeling. I try not to do everything every day because I know I would burn myself out. I do little and often and it is helping me just be focused and grounded. I love being creative again, it brings much joy.

There are now just 2 months until Christmas! I know a lot of people dread the festive season due to expense, socialisation, food, and more but it genuinely my favourite season. I am not keen on the weather but I love giving gifts. I will be honest and say I buy everything early and once the new year has just hit, I will be off planning presents again. I have so many birthdays throughout the year, especially from September to New Year’s Day so I like to be prepared. Anyway, I have all presents bought, I just need to finish the personalised ones and wrap everything up. Delightful. It brings so much excitement. This year my fiancé and I are doing things a little differently. I haven’t been too well, so we are spending Christmas mainly together after seeing my family for a few hours, we will cook our own dinner and play lots of board games. I need a simple and quiet Christmas this year due to everything going on. It was hard changing plans but I am trusting my intuition on this one.

I suppose right now, a year after my breakdown, I am left with a tangled weaving of how far I have come and how I have also remained troubled. You see, despite my body being stronger, I still experience a lot of pain, I have a lot of fatigue, my brain fog remains. I also have a lot of anxiety going out in public, I just cannot seem to face the outside world. On top of all of this, I am hallucinating again, not lots but often enough to find it…unamusing. I have fell into despair a few times, losing hope is such a hard thing for me to face, I literally have hope tattooed all over my arms. But right now, I am remaining optimistic, I am slowly learning more constructive means of bringing joy to my life, more creativity and living by my values, my hope will come back it always does. There is so much love going around too. I have incredible support from my fiancé, he is truly a rarity. I also have unconditional support from my best friend, she is a blessing. I think my determination is far better than it was a few months ago, I am dedicated to what I am doing. I like finding joy in little things like blankets and teddies, and hot chocolate, watching comfort tv, reading and writing and embracing what I can. This is all just part of the path I am taking – reading this back, I feel more optimistic.