Nurtured Words

Hello Anger, Fear, Sadness, Loneliness,

My has it been so long, a good few years now since we were in true contact. Truly connected as one. Do you miss me?

You have been around so long, too long, 23 years of your existence and my, as a small child you were all-consuming, so vicious in your vitriol. I thought you were ghosts haunting me, like I had done something wrong. When I felt wrong, you were there, highlighting my faults like no other. You made me feel tainted. I can say these words now because I’m no longer consumed. You all fought each other, made me fight, mainly for my life.

I thought I grew out of you, until I was 15. You came back with vengeance, I guess that is what fighting gets you. Let’s be honest, that is how it all started. I couldn’t control you, I didn’t want you anywhere near me. Remember when people thought you simply had a message? It was indeterminate. You were my fight response, you were, are, elements of my emotions. The emotions I never wanted in me. I fought to keep you all down, suppress from my oppression. I have never known anyone as cruel as you. Sometimes I still feel you there, in my mind, like you’re watching. But I don’t mind. I want to thank you four.

Thank you, truly. Because, you helped me realise you’re a part of me, I cannot forever attack my emotions, they are a part of human nature. You showed me the cruelest person I am to is myself. Me. And I don’t deserve it. Not one bit. You guided me down a destructive path, but I had to learn in my own time that violence within one’s self wrecks only me and erodes only me. I happen to love me now. And it’s thanks to you.

You covered my eyes, but I then saw, when I realised, that you’re parts of me to embrace. It’s okay you’re still around it really is. Because I know, with every fibre, that I will embrace you in your entirety because you don’t know anything but your emotion, you haven’t felt the expanse of the universe. When medication stopped you, I felt like I could think not just clearly (with time) but also freely. Yes, the ruin you cause is real, but I know now, I can have my clarity and balance. No longer do you rule my body.

You may watch me, but I feel that presence decreasing every year. I hope you are finding sanctuary amongst my emotions and moods, knowing that you can help and not destroy. That you can allow me to feel all of it all, without wreckage. I surrender to the knowledge you gave me. I accept you.

Thank you, Leanne x