Nurtured Words

Hello my lovelies,

Today I wanted to talk about a recent change in my life that has only occurred in the last couple of months: I was diagnosed with ADHD. I was diagnosed on the 26th June after a two month process. It has given me recognition and a way to further make sense of my world and experiences.

It came about in the most unexpected way. Whilst learning therapeutic tools again, my care lead asked a lot of questions and suggested there was evidence of ADHD. This was something that has never occurred to me, something I had never considered. I talked with my fiancé, helped him with his assessment and looked at experiences of women with ADHD. It all resonated,

Here in the UK, the waiting lists on the NHS are long, however I had the option of right to choose. When looking at the linked providers I chose one that had no need of a childhood informant, accepted to no shared care and had a quicker turnaround due to my impatience. I filled out my application forms, had my GP appointment and they let me be referred. After waiting just under three weeks I received pre-assessment forms that took three hours to fill out followed by an assessment two days later. After speaking with the specialist for an hour, I was diagnosed.

The way forward for me is somewhat clear but I do not know the full process. I will be completing online CBT specifically tailored to ADHD, trialling medications and hopefully receive trauma focused therapy (need a new assessment for this) for outlying issues.

So what exactly are my experiences? One of the biggest shocks has been my memory; I assumed my poor memory was amnesia, not being able to remember much: ADHD. My impulsivity: not entirely borderline, it is my need for dopamine. My inability to rest means I overschedule myself, my hyper moments of energy, my agitation, all caused by ADHD. Now, there is also an element of emotional dysregulation which is similar in EUPD, where controlling emotions is not as easy. I experience this on both levels. It turns out, my mental illness breakdowns have been initially caused by ADHD burnout. So with jobs and studies, I am burned out leading to poor mental health,

Why was it only spotted at thirty years old? There was absolutely no awareness in ADHD as a child beyond ‘naughty boys’. Given I was diagnosed as a teen for anxiety, depression and eventually EUPD, it answered a lot of my experiences, they have been deeply interwoven. It was never looked at again. There has only been a push on awareness of neurodiversity in the past eight or so years by the NHS; from this, an influx of assessments were needed and there wasn’t enough resources prepared. Also, it is reckoned that around 75% of women who have ADHD are actually undiagnosed! So really, it was all compounded for me to not be aware.

How does it feel? At first, I really did have a classic EUPD identity disturbance. The whole idea of myself shifted. I don’t like my conditions being my identity, they are part of my life, but not me which gave rise to frustration of that. Also, I was basically whisked through the process and maybe I went a bit too quick to process even the possibility of having ADHD. Since then, I have utilised my research skills to learn the neuroscience and interactions of the ADHD brain which is already helping me get into wise mind. I am learning active rest to help me which I will talk aboutin my next entry.

The path ahead is long and a bit murky but I will cope, I have a fantastic support network and will share my journey with you.

Kindly, Leanne x